Sarah Carlisle Stewart: The Modern Nanny
This week, we’ve partnered with Sarah Carlisle Stewart, better known online as聽, to bring our readers Sarah’s top tips for respectful employer-employee relationships. To encourage longevity in employees, it is crucial to understand what is important to them and how to cultivate a healthy, positive and professional relationship.
ABOUT SARAH:Sarah is a former nanny who moved into childcare coaching after experiencing burnout firsthand. Through her social media, workshops, and online intensives, Sarah offers support and empowerment to the childcare community.
5 Tips for Respectful Employer Dynamics
From Sarah Carlisle Stewart, The Modern Nanny
Okay so you鈥檝e hired a household employee鈥� congrats! Life can be so much more manageable and thereby fruitful when you have the support and help to get done what matters most to you.
What they don鈥檛 tell you is that this now makes you an employer. And with that can come some unknown territory鈥�
Of course there鈥檚 the legalese side of it with contracts, laws, and things鈥� but there鈥檚 all the interpersonal dynamics between employer and employee in a particularly unique industry.
We love the personal, find your fit nature of the domestic industry. It can be incredibly personal, intimate. The person you鈥檙e hiring is privy to your home, your family. Like dating, we rely heavily on fit, on personality, on dynamic. But like dating, we can鈥檛 forget the work it takes to have a healthy dynamic.
For longevity and sustainability in a dynamic鈥� respect, boundaries, and honest communication are the most important. But we recognize that鈥檚 easier said than done.
So here are 5 things to keep in mind for a respectful employer-employee dynamic:
1. They did it themselves.
Remember that Julia Fox meme that went around; when asked who did her strong eye makeup, she responds: 鈥淚 did it myself鈥濃��
I made an with that audio and it hit a viral 360 likes with the Nanny Instagram community. Why? Because many domestic workers feel the plight of doing so much themselves.
They鈥檙e technically an employee and following an employer鈥檚 general guidelines and instructions鈥� but balancing the line of advocating for themselves, presenting as their own professional entity. No human resources, no coworkers鈥� almost running and operating like their own business鈥� but not.
In being mindful of this unique aspect of their work experience, tip 2:
2. Remember their personhood beyond the job title.
The domestic industry is full of invisible labor.
Doing the laundry isn鈥檛 just the laundry鈥� but being aware of the house schedule, knowing which items take special care, which go to the dry cleaners, which are hang dry鈥�
Taking the little one to the park isn鈥檛 just a drive鈥� but knowing how it fits with the nap schedule and work from home parents meetings during the day, the temperament and personality of the little one, redirecting and planning, knowing the car needs gas and to make it to gymnastics practice we have to leave at 2:00pm instead of 2:20pm.
And on top of having a task load full of invisible labor, the better you are at your job, the more seamlessly things go and the more invisible it becomes. Then you literally reinforced for that invisibility. In that, it鈥檚 easy to start thinking of your employees (and even employees may start thinking about themselves) as less a person and more the job title.
They鈥檙e the nanny, not Sarah who nannies.
On top of that, self-care is the first thing to go when we鈥檙e consumed with helping others.
You might think鈥� okay, they can just tell me no when it gets to be too much leading to tip 3:
3. Be aware of burnout & 鈥渉elper鈥� tendencies to overextend.
Burnout is caused by high stress, and particularly when the stress outpaces our capability to process it.
Many domestic workers pride themselves in their ability to get it done, to go above and beyond, to make your life as seamless and convenient as possible鈥� while dismissing their own stress caused by meeting those needs. This can lead to compassion fatigue which can feel insurmountable for natural helpers with caregiving hearts.
Domestic workers might overextend even though saying no might save them from burn out because saying no almost feels like admitting failure of their role or an incompetence. When they burn out, it鈥檚 not just the brunt of that but it also creates an existential crisis as they feel a loss of their own helping identity.
Ultimately, 鈥減eople tend to take better care of themselves when they鈥檙e in a high-quality relationship鈥� In other words, our self-care is facilitated by the ways we care for and are cared for by someone else.鈥� (From Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab)
This is where boundaries come in. You might think boundaries are walls that separate people, make things awkward鈥� but ultimately boundaries are the expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships; they require communication and intention.
4. Make time for team meetings.
One of the most important steps to the employer-employee dynamic that is often overlooked is building a trusting relationship. Rapport isn鈥檛 superficial.
And it also can鈥檛 be faked. We recognize the busyness of life and we鈥檙e pretty good at hitting the ground running in this industry. That being said, often important things get lost in distracted, passing conversations.
So create a team meeting, even if a quick 15. Commit, no matter the brevity, to being present. Technology is great and has allowed us some incredibly great resources, but it has created a cultural habit of sending a quick text or email when a conversation would be much more successful.
Here are 5 key strategies to facilitate a productive dialogue(from ): 鈥淏e curious, check your bias, show respect, stay the course, and end well鈥�.
Have a goal for your check ins:
What do you hope to get out of this exchange?
What would you like to have happen?
How would you like to feel when you walk away from the conversation?
And be mindful of your words. Many times we overwhelm these conversations with feedback that ends up feeling negative, frustrating, or critical鈥� Then we avoid them because they don鈥檛 feel cup-filling but draining of your already limited time and energy. Some other pointers from We Need to Talk鈥� Notice how often you repeat negative feedback, have at least two positive things to say per meeting, and don鈥檛 repeat information more than twice per conversation.
5. Remember it鈥檚 鈥渦s鈥� vs the problem
With such close proximity, of course conflict is bound to happen. 鈥淎bsence of conflict is not harmony, it鈥檚 apathy鈥� (Nedra Tawwab) so building in that communication on the regular creates space and intention towards collaboration. They key: 鈥淏eing respectful is even more important in conversations than finding common ground鈥� (Celeste Headlee).
There are two types of conflict: relationship conflict vs task conflict. Relationship conflict is likely what you picture when you picture conflict: personal, emotional clashes, friction, animosity. Task conflict is about ideas and opinions. Task conflict often spills over into relationship conflict, especially when we鈥檙e in close relationships, dynamics, or proximity鈥� like an employee in your home.
It鈥檚 when a hiccup happens like a nanny telling a parent at the park the name of the kid鈥檚 school (task conflict) that turns into emotional: 鈥測ou鈥檙e irresponsible, how thoughtless鈥� (relationship conflict).
We often approach conflict like a battle, where the options are to attack or retreat. In reality, our dynamics include so much more nuance, they鈥檙e more like a dance. And the important thing to remember in a dance is that there aren鈥檛 opponents, but partners. When conflict (inevitably) arises, it鈥檚 important to remember it’s you and employee vs the problem.
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